Follower's Lament, In My Wake

I joined a particular local company back in 1983, a couple months after I first got sober. There I met a most unusual man, full of energy and really irritating. The trouble was, he could back himself up in pretty much any way. He really knew his job. He also knew how to handle himself if things got dicey, let’s say in some local bar. He was pretty much the last man standing in any arena he entered. It turns out that he really is a genius at what he does, a construction manager, but not a socially competent man. In fact a couple posts ago I talked about being nearly fired for my arrogance one time. This man is far and away more abrasive than I ever was…but he can back it up. I have said about him, Billy is always right, except sometimes, but even if he is wrong, he can easily point out how he was wrong in the right way. One time one of the guys called him a narcissist and he preened and strutted. He thought he’d been given a compliment.

Finally he parlayed a particular position into a way to start his own company. That was back in 1993. That was the year I too left the company we were both part of. I banged around for four years, knowing he was out there but really not wanting to work for him. In 1997 I ran out of options, so I hired into his new company. I have been working for him these last twelve years. This has been my tolerance test in my final working years. There is one major advantage. This man deeply values loyalty. If he senses you are loyal, then within the limits of business realities, he is loyal. I won’t go into all that, just suffice it to say, if at all possible, so long as I can do the work, he won’t ever fire me.

The thing that drives me crazy the most is a built in trial to our kind of business. We are constantly pressured to do more with less. Our work is necessary but not valued. Our profit comes with corporate resentment at us also. My boss is hypersensitive to this pressure. At the beginning of our projects he presses hard on the “get it done, don’t over work things, are you done yet? Why not?” Then at the other end, “why did you cut this corner and that one? How could you not be more thorough?” So I get to decide on any given day, when I am going to take the criticism, now or later? Or perhaps both, because I am living in an unrealistic expectation in any case. Heh.

So I wondered what this would look like on a spiritual walk.

Follower's Lament

But you already
Told me the way I'm to live
A long time ago.
You're changing that now?
I can't believe you'd do that
To me, oh okay.

Bow to east, now to west, hah.
Wash in morning, now midday.

Wear saffron, now red
And I have to grow the beard,
And walk on, keep on.
A pilgrim's duty,
Following your holy lead,
Trust you know the way.

*******************************

Here come the roses again. This is a story about a conundrum. If I really get to know something worth knowing in my spiritual walk, it will be because I see with God’s eyes, so to speak. When I return to human form, how will what I see fit into human form? The vision won’t fit for sure if I do not change my fundamental shape. Seeing with God’s eyes will require that I take a God-like shape. How can I do that? Not without help. Certainly not without asking.

In My Wake

Whirling in circles
Spinning, dancing, skirts flaring,
My dervish mind shines
With light from the life
You tell me to lead today.

I follow the lines
You draw in my soul.
Rosy velvet petals drift
In the wake I leave.
Please, I want to know
When I enter time again
That I was once here.