On this last day of the year I wrote nine poems, as I wrote a couple posts ago. I was all over the map too. Going to all the places in me perhaps. Saying goodbye to the 2008 Christopher, the man who discovered blogging quite by accident and then in trying to figure out how to say what he wanted to say found the poetry. I have written all my life, but most of it not that good as far as I am concerned. This latest stuff I think passes muster pretty much. So does my music now, when I sit down and just start improvising in Eb and related keys. I do that for at least ten minutes most days. If I really wanted to improve it would be as ever, more like two hours.
But what has happened is now actually tested, when a whole team of people took seriously that I might actually be circling the drain. I no longer have anything to proove here on the planet. I have no children and not much family. I can live lightly because I am done with anything like hoping that it gets better, or somebody or something owes me, or I owe them, or if I just do one more of that I will finally get it, or that maybe I'll be famous someday, or that there will even be a someday. That's all over with. I had thought so, but now I know it. I was happy either way in this heart attack thing. I just was not afraid, nor was I regretful I hadn't even had a chance to tell everyone goodbye. Just whatever. What a relief.
Now I can get on living as best I know, knowing I have no hidden agendas. Well, sort of, one...I don't want to end living in a box under a bridge, or even so poor I can't get on the internet or something. I don't need another girlfriend or to be widely published or even necessarily to be well thought of. But there is one thing that keeps coming up...whoever dies with the most love wins. To get it you gotta give it away. Gotta quit being afraid to take a risk. But I have been around the block. I am a recovered alcoholic. I spend a good deal of time amongst felons, the deranged and crackpots, a whole variety of shortcomings and lifestyles. There is real violence that lurks in the past and under the surface. People trying to tell the truth or not but seasoned seasoned liars. So when I say quit being afraid to take a risk, that means with both eyes really wide open, fully alert.
So there are these people in my life, and when something like this heart attack happens I find out there are people in the background who give a shit. They surprise me. God provides. I needed a ride home from the hospital. I was puny. No one was around. I was going to need to do the cab thing. I said, okay, that's it then. Then. Right then. An old friend I hadn't seen in a few months showed up. He took me home. Earlier, someone I know distantly demonstrated his own concern for me by coming to visit, a man I never would have guessed of all the people I know who might come. So you see? This has happened to me before.
That then. I love you. That's the only thing to stay for, to find out what happens next for you. With hope and trust, I pray that what happens next for you is glorious and real. I know I have almost nothing I can actually do except encourage you. But like in AA, not at the expense of the fucking truth. Eyes wide open and courage and trust and fancy footwork, so practice, practice, practice. Just like any artist or really good musician. Just like that.
God is in my life. But like the Buddhists know, I don't have to chat Him up nor impose Him on anyone. Find out for yourself. It's your risk anyway, just like it's mine.
I stand on ramparts
I have built, indeed to lift
Me up to heaven.
But I trained with a master
Who instructed me on doors.
So below my height
Are doors well made, wide open,
And to my left, stairs.
December 31, 2008 3:30 PM
And in the interests of truth telling...
Another Aww Shit
I am feeling sunk
Because I don't sink the ch'i.
I need you to take the blame
Since it's you pointed this out.
I will duck and weave,
I will dodge this bright arrow
Pointed straight at me.
December 31, 2008 4:08 PM