This is a poem written in 2000. In those days I was immersed in the first of two love relations I entered after the ending of my twenty year marriage. This time was a complex weave of fantasy and reality and Maire (as I called her) was my muse. I write about this often in this blog, the blog being to a great extent an homage to that relationship and what happened to me because it occurred. It was both the most amazing and rewarding two years of my life and arguably the most painful severance as well. I let go and moved beyond this genuinely clandestine affair with my muse when it was time to move.
She left me as I knew she would in the beginning. I have that prediction in black print. Most of the foundational skill I have as a poet was tempered in the fire of this love. This poem was written first to this woman in a moment of anticipation of what was to happen next in our affair. I was not wrong in my expectation, not in the coming next few days.
I was gifted in my life with a much better, more viable and vibrant love relationship following my loss of this clandestine woman and our fantasy. I received the renaissance of my music which returned to me full force with my connection to this new woman, and we were connected fully in public view. This relationship was not clandestine in any way. I gained her family too, an amazing family. I am quite likely deeply connected with this woman for the rest of my life, while my muse has been out of my life for years now.
What this poem is is a psalm, of course, and is said entirely to Divinity. If you do not have Divinity in back of your love for one another, what do you have?
What I Have To Say
Father Sun, Grandmother Sky,
Mother Earth, hear my call.
I am here within You.
This is what I have to say.
I will stand here at the stillness.
I will witness what I see.
I am open to Your Ways.
Give me the tools, give me leave
That I can bend and trim the Tree
Of Life and keep the Deep of Days.
Then I will turn with a gift of love
For the Goddess of the moon and stars
And I will truly touch Her heart.
This is all I have to say.
First Posted, part of my fourth post, November 10, 2008
"I have that prediction in black print." I am thinking about this...beginning something you can already see the end of. I am considering how one moves through that viscous knowledge day by day. I'll wager the movement not easy. Tempered with many layers. At least that was my experience.
ReplyDeleteAnnie, this story is quite complicated. I had known the woman before (1983-85) and she had arguably saved my life by participating as she did in those days even though we were not then even what you would call friends. She did not do this deliberately but because I was there and connected it did not matter who was doing what. This was group work. I actually vowed at that time that if she would look my way and I was free, I would have her come into my life. I also saw it as a totally impossible, never to be possible.
ReplyDeleteWhen she entered my life at the later time, 1999, I was dismayed at her disarray and I needed to repay her from my spiritual accounts. I was amazed that she was there. Then she asked for intimacy directly because she felt me trustworthy and I agreed to start up with her for many reasons which included her sincerity and the specific task she was trying to accomplish. She was breaking her marriage for very good reasons.
What happened was that I had to fall in love with her to do my part competently. That was on me, my doing and I would do it again given those circumstances again. For me this woman was not only a possible lover, she was able to take me to places I never knew before. I knew she would have to leave our relationship at some point to finish her task, but I could not operate that way. I had to believe I had a chance to sway her. So I took that chance. There were two ways I could win, that she would stay with me by the thinnest of threads, most unlikely, or that she would go away and come back. I tried for both and of course neither worked.
Would I do this again now at this point of my life? Not a chance but this was twelve years ago and I was still vital enough in 1999 to take on the clandestine nature of things. I have always been a pretty good bank robber if the motivation was right. To behave impeccably in the midst of coloring outside the lines is much more difficult than trying to keep inside the lines.
How blessed you are, to know this kind of love. xxx
ReplyDelete"To behave impeccably in the midst of coloring outside the lines is much more difficult than trying to keep inside the lines."
ReplyDeleteTruer words - never spoken.
if i understood better i could probably provide a reasonable comment.... hong kong
ReplyDeleteJozien, I will always be yours in some secret way.
ReplyDeleteAnnie, I had to know I was going to be misunderstood by some of the ones who did know something, perhaps even viciously misunderstood. I also had to navigate remembering that I was draining the swamp no matter how many alligators tried to distract me.
ReplyDeleteAnd then, when I was losing, I needed to remember that I had promised no harm if at all possible, so I could not breach her trust by changing the rules we loved by in order to maybe save the game.
Ghost, I would seek your understanding but I actually suspect you do know about the clandestine life. We all do in superficial ways because Hollywood revels in stories of the clandestine and so do book publishers.
ReplyDeleteFor my part, I have led clandestine lives several times. When I undertook this one I was already experienced or I might not have felt as confident as I did that I would succeed. By succeed I mean that I did no harm that was not already on the way.
What a wonderful picture! I adore it and will find a print, ty.
ReplyDeleteAs for your poem, your writing and remembrances, I applaud you my friend, to travel into the lions den is no matter for the faint of heart. To do these things is no small matter and I'm sure you saved her, most honorable and bravest of knights.
I could write more but I shan't.
*blush*
ReplyDeleteThe skills exercised are outlaw skills, of course. It's not all white light. A friend of mine said I was intolerable from the husband's point of view and it didn't matter he didn't know, he should know! Our friendship broke over this issue, broke permanently.
I plead no contest.
What I did was based on faith she was leaving her husband no matter what I did and no matter how well or poorly she did it. She demanded secrecy and I complied.
"viciously misunderstood" - i smile at this for i have been, if not exactly, then in close proximity, to this situation and i bore it willingly. perhaps even with a silent delight. "She was breaking her marriage for very good reasons." i also have been there. and too, in black and white it was foretold. and the spiritual forging of the artistic self - i say, yes. and not anything would have made me choose differently for once awoken who could choose sleep? no matter the losses (and i am only gently sorry for the losses others suffered, not my own) i stood new, remade. you could be writing this of me.
ReplyDeleteyou helped me through these times, did you know?
and then yes, afterwards, a "more viable and vibrant love relationship following my loss of this clandestine" one.
how is it we were allowed these gifts?
i will stand here at the stillness.
i will witness what i see.
i am open to your ways.
much love, christopher
xo
erin
Erin
ReplyDeleteThank you for saying all this.
Much love to you, my friend.
Christopher