Sunday, May 16, 2010


If I am outside my comfort zone I become painfully shy. I also lose my eloquence. I am not in my comfort zone at work some of the time, most of the time with some people. I lose my eloquence in critical moments because of it.

(By the way, this has been a wonderful day, like the first real day of summer. :oD )

When I look at breathtakingly beautiful women I know they are only for my viewing for they are far above the likes of me. This has always been my truth. I know it is not really so but I have no real way to break my impressions of my life here. Now that I am older, I really do know better but now I am too old and fat. Oh well.

I live with confidence in most ways. People who know me only by sight and presence at AA where I am comfortable think of me as tremendously serene. People at work think of me as amusing and a little tedious when things aren’t going my way. I have a reputation for accuracy but not for speed in getting the work done.

Beneath the “serene” surface of the swan on the lake the little feet are just churning away unseen. This is my brain on life, just churning away unseen.

Groucho said he could never join any exclusive club that would actually have him as a member. He could not approve of such a club.

I am not looking for denials of my attitude. You will know if you reflect any length of time that I have been living with it for over fifty years, that I have tried this and that and even laid it on God’s altar, even in His lap. I have done every fucking thing and it persists. So unless you are a true magician or exorcist there is no suggestion to give. Most of the time my attitude is of small account, basically right sized. It does not get in the way. I am almost never fired from my job, only one time. Many people like me. I get the job done. I know how to love a woman. I have it on good authority. I’m not doing so bad. I some ways I actually have more trouble with my arrogance.

Even so, this is an honest poem.


I hesitate to
touch your skin, suddenly shy
of how you will turn
and look in my eyes,
perhaps to send me away
so far that I will
never find my way
back to this green oasis
in the sandy waste.

May 18, 2009 3:32 PM


  1. I think if you peel away all of the postures we show to others, you'll find a basic insecurity in most people. Good - but never good enough - at enything, that's mine.

  2. enything works for me :D

    The old joke on the email circuit destroys spelling beyond all recognition and shows that if you keep the beginning letter and the end letter of a word plus the context, you can nearly always eventually read the sentence. It does slow down reading for those of us who are fluent and fast. There are so many people who are slow and occasional readers that in the overall scheme of things there is not even much slow down.

  3. I totally relate to your poem. Wrote about a similar feeling a while back...yet I was touch, yet feeling as your described. Such a struggle.

    "I feel as though I am standing in the middle of a plaza which has emptied....standing alone, feeling more naked than ever, raw in the moment, so small. It is a mystery to me, this standing, when the rocks call out their hiding places and shadows offer the cover of darkness. Yet steadfast I stand, eyes grounded in the fear such moments bring, nauseous and trembling still from Sunday's revelations."

  4. Isn't it a lovely thing, Annie, to sense that we are not alone even when it's about alone that we are not alone?

    This makes my head spin. :)


The chicken crossed the road. That's poultry in motion.

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