"Religion often gets credit for curing rascals when old age is the real medicine."
"The hardest fact in the world to accept is the inevitable mixture of evil with good in all things." - both attributed to Austin O'Malley, b. 1858 - d. 1932
This poem was written over two years ago, written in the winter before my first heart event. In those days they found two clogged veins and fixed one, using a stent to hold it open. In those days I had no atrial fibrillation, no ventricular hesitations, no apparent thickened heart muscles creating stiffened diastolic response, a heart failure that won't kill me of itself but is very good at making me feel awful quite often and very likely to help me stroke out.
I have to deal with turkeys. I am schmoozing my Warfarin clinic nurse to get her to see things my way. She is far too conservative and as a result my warfarin number is way too high. That can lead to really bad bleeds if I should pop something somehow. But I don't want to piss her off. She is an essential team player. The phlebotomy team at the local lab is terrible at finding my veins. But the lab over by my work is batting one thousand. Local turkeys revealed by distant competence. I have to give blood samples twice a week at this point.
This is the heaviness of living with my own death. That is close and present even if I still have twenty years. My mother had something like ten years past her first heart event, but it was much bigger than mine. I am living with lung trouble daily right now but it is not really lungs, it is the backup of blood at my lungs because my heart doesn't move the blood well.
I am not saying these things to get sympathy, which they say you can find between shit and syphilis in the dictionary. I am pointing out that any spirit filled life that is true does not hesitate on this threshold. There is somewhere in me that is just fine right now even as I cough so hard I faint sometimes and have to sleep sitting up in a chair.
Note. Sitting up in a chair is one recommended posture for people in overt heart trouble...they say do not lie down while waiting for the medics. They say remain standing or sitting upright as best you can. I tie that recommendation to this sleeping posture I must take. I really can't lie down right now and may never be able to again. That's not good for the edema in my legs, also part of this trouble of course.
Seeking God Himself
I carry this weight
Doing my part as you do
Accepting the chill.
At the edge of me
Is the bud waiting for spring,
Then to swell, intense,
Ready to burst with
Green flames, to look for lifemates,
To seek God Himself.
January 5, 2009 9:00 AM
To burst with green flames...a solution to heart pain. <== Look at that! :D That sentence was written in the original post.
First posted May 23, 2009