Monday, February 2, 2009

A Scar On Me, Like A Bug

I know I'm supposed to be spiritual and all that. I know I have had the vision, know where I am going, where I've been, that I'm a human having a spiritual journey, that I'm a spirit having a human experience. I even have stories that I am comfortable with (though the stories aren't that comfortable) as to why I would be in this particular fix with these talents and these liabilities, and this way of viewing things.

Sometimes I think I have reached a pinnacle. I know I was once not only on the top of the mountain but much further than that. All this is true.

It is also true that I am a serious alcoholic, now in recovery for a long time and that my life has paid that price, not only for my own, but as well for the alcoholic I married. So sometimes I simply am not present in my own life. Just not. I am sensitive to shame (not so much guilt, far too criminal minded for guilt). Really sensitive to shame. I have good ducking and weaving skills. Really had to work to get even a little less blame avoidant and arrogant. Oh well.

A Scar On Me

I looked down. I found
A scar on me I never
Saw on me before.

It seemed old and on it's rim
There was a bright red tattoo.

I'm avoiding it.
I don't want to know its past.
I'm just moving on.


I was still in that kind of mood a couple hours later on this day...

Like A Bug

I scuttle about
Looking under things, looking
For other dumb things.

I wonder if this is how
A cockroach feels, at a loss,
Looking forward and
Backward all at once, looking
For stomping feet.


  1. {{{ Chris-toh-pher!}}}

    I don't even know what the braces mean. They feel good.
    For old scars, today i don't go there, to busy living and loving.

  2. Hi Christopher,

    I sent you an email. I hope you don't mind. You asked me a question that had a longer answer...

    I really like your poem "A Scar on Me" I,too,am really sensitive to shame. I know you are speaking of figurative scars. I have literal ones from when I was 13 and they always fill me with shame when I look at them. But the other scars we carry, I agree sometimes just moving on is best. Though I have to admit, I often feel the need these days to examine more closely before moving on.

    Thank you for your comments on my new blog. It means a lot to me that you are there.

  3. Jozien, dear one, braces and ellipses like that mean hugs. I gave out a hug using ellipses at one blog, saying I hoped I wasn't too forward, and she replied that the ellipses weren't too forward but if I wanted to give her braces I had to give her dinner first.
    I see the old letter writing hugs and kisses here too, xxooxxoo. Where I take x=kiss and o=hug.

    I often see (o). I take that for a special hug even beyond {{{}}}. But that's just the world according to Christopher.

  4. Faith, I set up the email just so people on blogs could contact me privately if they wanted. I thought about it and really did want to ask you how that all happened. It is hard to guess where the lines are here in blogland...

    I believe I understand what you say about scars. I don't need to know specifically to still be able to guess in general what young girls do.

    Life is what it is, and alcoholics carry a knotted past, self inflicted and victimized all tangled so much that it's often hard to tell which is which. And that all mixed with successes and failures also tangled so that it is often hard to tell which is which. Which is one of the points of drunkenness anyway, to tangle it all up so you can't tell which is which.

    I was throughout my drunk life aware that I was putting a cap on my possible accomplishments, a life strategy carried forth from my coping strategy in high school, to be good enough but not so good as to stand out. This is kind of like saying I will do my life with one arm tied behind my back.

    When I sobered up at thirty eight, my life was cast pretty well and it didn't matter anymore...

  5. Christopher - so sad that the shame and pain don't go away. I know, love, and have loved people who are bear the same scars. No matter what, none of them has ever felt "good enough." Sadly, for those of us who love them, they're more than enough but nothing we do can convince them of that....(you know what <-- means)...

  6. Karen, thanks for visiting.

    There are ways out but usually they require going in deeper into the pain and shame in order to find the end of them, don't die, and then there are tools that work quite well once the motivation is exhumed from the burrow it has dug for itself. Even then, probably a whole bunch of help and the humility to accept the help is required.

    One of the deep lessons is how prideful and self centered misery is. It is very hard to assist a person who is so prideful and self centered.

    Your last sentence threw me though. I don't know what <-- means.

  7. Referring to jozien's post,
    The <-- was supposed to be an arrow pointing to a ..... hug.


The chicken crossed the road. That's poultry in motion.

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