Friday, January 28, 2011

Taking Winged Shape - Reprise


I want to be angelic. Here is a really good reason. I am nearly 100% certain that angel relationships are so much simpler. Sometimes the negotiations of relationship make me really tired. I know why at least some of us fail at relationships. We just get too tired. It shouldn’t be this hard, what my bones and sinews say. Music gives me the same trouble. It just shouldn’t be that hard to master the whole thing. Calculus, I couldn’t even start, even though I am supposed to be really smart, but calculus scared the shit out of me. I want to be angelic because I sense they don’t even have to try. I really, really want to not have to try.

I think I have heard this, that I am not making it up. Angels are complete and perfect creatures, limited in only one direction. They only possess a smidgen of free will, not the main meal that is ours but just a dash, a splash of it, like a good spice. Enough to make rebellion possible, but so rare that only a few have tried it and only one mustered enough to fall into rebellion completely and take some of the others with him.

Man on the other hand is required by his nature to rebel.

God loves Man best. Sometimes angels find that difficult, knowing that. It is said that is why Lucifer fell. God's love for man may be merciful but is not just from the angelic point of view. Lucifer fell for justice.

But Man’s work is the thing. It is so fucking hard.

Taking Winged Shape

That I should want this
thing with more than I ever
could gather from hills,
the grassy long sweep
of wind washed blades and flowers,
white starred stalks among
the green green old hills
of the far planet behind
my flight. That I should
want so much from this
sky into which I now go,
why I learned to fly.

March 9, 2009 1:41 PM

A Guardian Angel

First posted (without the angelic images)
Tuesday, December 15, 2009


  1. It shouldn't be this hard. I say that so often. Communication should be simple. The Gospel should be simple. Love. I feel bone weary at times in attempt. Perhaps if I can accept that it is not...simple, I will feel less tired. Or perhaps I need to search for less complication and realize it really is, just that simple. Ah, see...I am tired again in the not knowing.

  2. I am sure of it. I know how much has gone into this very moment if you build up from the smallest scale (and that has to be done) in order to get to this precise manifestation. There is an absolutely unique arrangement of an uncountable number of variables that make this moment what it is. That it ends up organized enough that I am sitting here remembering myself and you, Annie, and thinking of all the rest besides is vanishingly small odds.

    This is so completely not simple that attempting to use such a word would be shameful if it wasn't so amusing. Yearning for simplicity is equally yearning for ignorance and release from responsibility, this because I am also along with all else the totality of my choices to now. All that I choose is a very small part of all that is but it is an essential part of my point of view and without my contribution, I am nothing at all.

    And when I enter you as well, then there is a compelling increase in all the variables which when new is often the best of all earthly pleasures, but when too familiar can become very difficult and feel quite unjust or unmerciful. So this is love, to renew the bond no matter what happens.

    How could anything be more complex?

  3. I say this to myself every day "it was not meant to be this hard"...I try to simplify as best I can but at times - seems for nothing.

  4. its the ones that were here, in a symphony with cells (lived on ear, this earth) but don't remember, and so I don't believe they realize what they are feeling is jealousy.

    they are the ones who without knowing it has happened, are consumed with envy, and find themselves outside locked gates.

    and it will happen to us all if it has not already happened to you. I understand their anger upon that realization, because it isn't supposed to be possible.

    but you cannot truly feel love, wherein it becomes unhealthy because you continuously go without so that your love can go with, when love forgets about you, and it will, it's paralyzing pain. When you find yourself experiencing joy due to a balancing of the scales, and if they had not forgotten about you you would never felt good when you see the love that forgot about you getting what it deserves, when you are done enjoying them pay for their mistakes it is when you find yourself locked outside of the gates.

    If you remember anything, it's best to remember it was yourself that did this, that if I find myself on the outside locked out, I was helping with my heart in the wrong place. Selfless action, for selfless reason is the only way back, if you find yourself being able to fly with love, but now locked out.

    and very few remember, unless selflessness was consistent practice when you are here.

  5. Noelle, So if so many of us have this experience of things being harder than our insides say things should be, what can it mean? I think it's a real experience. All stories aside, I know what it would mean if it were only me that felt like that. But we all do, so to speak. At least we know enough people who feel like this, that things are too hard, that it violates some kind of principle of how life ought to be.

    What can it mean that so many of us feel like this? There are so many, I just have to accept at least one of us is innocent and does not deserve the misery. If there is just one, then that wounded innocence lurks in back of us all.

  6. So, who, I do believe you better live the way you know. Locked out or not, this behavior you know is probably the way either way.

    For myself, I call it a certain thing and not for a minute do I think I can actually do it without huge help, so I ask and ask and ask again. I am just strange enough to believe I can at the critical moments get the help if I permit myself to receive it.

    I am happy I am not who you thought I might have been since I have trouble enough right here and now in my own little world.

  7. To renew the bond no matter what happens.



The chicken crossed the road. That's poultry in motion.

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