Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Change Of Heart, This One I Saw Coming

I got caught one time on acid, looking in a mirror. Bad idea. I was locked in for quite a while. At least that is how it seemed. It was not kind. I was not ready for the melting of boundaries while being exquisitely self conscious. I was not ready for the quality of judgment, for the honesty, for the finely detailed story. I was never that visual on acid, and the mirror was no different, my vision melted and turned into narrative while what remained of my vision twitched and jittered.

Change Of Heart

I really do not
Want to look in that mirror.
This scares me silly.
I feel revulsion
For what I might see in me.

I remember that,
How I felt before
I cracked open that one time
And a little bit
After til I picked
Myself back up off the floor.

It was so real.

January 21, 2009 10:13 AM


I have mentioned this squirrel and this nut. Here is the poem that I wrote about that situation. The seedling rose in the spring of 2007. The nut was buried in Fall of 2006.

This One I Saw Coming

There's a small green shoot
Where that gray squirrel buried
His nut. He forgot.
Now it's spring. I watched
When he placed it, and now watch
This tree start to grow.
This beautiful sprout,
The walnut came from next door,
Is nestled beside
The old dogwood just
Now waking for the season.
Makes me sad, it does.

It's sad I have to pull it.

January 21, 2009 10:44 AM


  1. I have no comment today, except for this smile....does that count?


  2. I saw many people tripping back then but never did it myself - always too controlled to go there, I think. Once I saw a girl trying to squeeze orange juice from herself. Enough for me. I still shake my head at that.

  3. I sat in the bath watching the water come out of the tap for four hours....and spun off my elbow on he beach for an eon....once upon a time when I was empty.

    I didn't like 'em much either.

  4. Once only. I was at Pt. Reyes beach and it rained. My car's electrical system was out and it was getting dark. I had to drive us out of there with no windshield wipers. I drove about 10 miles an hour with my head sticking out the side. The road was windy and dark and it seemed to go on forever.

    I feel so badly when I have to pick out the carefully planted trees.

  5. {{{Michelle}}} Smiles count. Roughly equal to snorts, depending.

    Karen, I know. I shake my head at stuff I got into as well.

    Michelle, I was accused of being the devil by a guy who panicked one time. We were in the woods and had a long ways to go to get back. He kicked the windshield out at one point while people tried to hold him. Wasn't my car. It was my head and that screwed me up. I started wondering if it was true, and that formed a spiritual question for me for decades.

    Catvibe, I guess you could call that tree carefully planted. I think it was mainly a nut forgotten. Of course, walnut trees like that about squirrels.

  6. Oh man, that first one is great. One time in my dorm (sort of Social Deviant Central for the tri-county area), 40 or so out of the 50 people dropped acid on one night. Never saw anything quite like it, and probably won't again for a long time.

    As for the tree: perhaps you could dig down enough to get the roots out, and replant it elsewhere?

  7. Joseph...Wow. I agree, that much energy going off sideways might've made water spring from rocks when struck and staffs turn into snakes when thrown on the ground. Nobody was Moses I hope.

    As for the small walnut tree, there would be no place on my property for one. They get kind of big, you know. I have to often pull trees up, especially in the back yard, many volunteer trees try to start in my neck of the woods.

  8. Christopher, I'll read here in a moment but what I just read at my place by you has me feeling all windy inside. Childless, your deal with god...I have to wonder if in some way we are not like your children here. There are always children, you know, sometimes with crow's feet.

    Funny, your first one here...I had a conversation with someone two minutes ago about taking mushrooms. They said they never had and they are planning on a lot of firsts to come. I warned of one bad trip I had and I'll be darned if it didn't involve a very big mirror and me and time all trapped together in a public bathroom. You brought it back. It wasn't a good time, but a necessary one, I think.

  9. "Of course, walnut trees like that about squirrels." I like this best of all.

  10. I love the first one Christopher, stunning.

  11. the mirror and y/our reflections on it... this was a gift; thanks

  12. Erin, I am really fond of you. I love reading your stories. I am obviously not the only one. Mirrors definitely can be spooky. Mushrooms have always treated me kindly. In fact the homeopath after taking my history prescribed agaricus tincture as my soul mate remedy. It worked. There are several science guys who write by reversing the roles like that, walnut trees using squirrels to get more walnut trees. Lewis Thomas for one.

    Ida, Harlequin, thanks for visiting and commenting on the mirror.

  13. mmm....when ilook in mirrors I don't see nuttin...

  14. Ghost, it is the trouble with ectoplasm. If you jiggle a bunch while in front of the mirror you should be able to detect a vagueness at the edges, where the light is slightly bent by your presence...

  15. The one about the mirror reminds me of that fear that the weird, drug-induced feeling is going to come back again.

  16. Wow. Rachel for at least four years I was hungry for that weird drug induced feeling to come back again. Of course I really tried to not come down at all. I didn't see much worth in being sober. I really liked psychedelics.

  17. God yes....somedays I can still taste it....

    All about an easy gratitude those days, and remembering the crap, with no fluff.


  18. Oh yes, the taste of cigarettes behind LSD is completely compelling and I do indeed taste that any time I want to. But not pleasant. I quit smoking in 1981 and still can remember what smoking was like, both pleasant and unpleasant, like the feeling of over smoking at two packs a day. But this taste of a cigarette on acid is in a realm all its own.


The chicken crossed the road. That's poultry in motion.

Get Your Own Visitor Map!