In The Moonshine

On occasion someone really does seem to understand. This is rare, though. It requires not only that you do understand but that you can communicate with me, and that I get what you say and what you do as well. No matter how well you understand me, if I do not get it that you do, there is no way that I end up feeling understood. There is timing involved in this somehow, because yesterday you said it and it worked but today you say it again and it doesn't. This is one of the struggles of my entire life and it is so extremely self involved it embarrasses me to admit it. I have built stories to explain it, all about family and my childhood and all that. I have no idea if my stories, sort of true, are really explanatory as I intend them to be, but they do illustrate that I am touchy about being understood.

I have had to be vigilant for example, because I am badly allergic to a couple really common foods. I also abhor a couple other common foods. I cannot trust that you understand this. You can forget. I cannot forget. My lack of trust in part seems to generalize from here. Maybe that's actual. Probably not, but still I have to assume you will forget my allergies and I cannot. When I was a kid, like third grade or something, this could be a real difficulty because I might be in the charge of adults who genuinely did not know and might insist I eat what was "on my plate". I might have to go into defiance and that is awkward when you are in third grade. It insults adults, something a little kid finds problematic. It never actually happened like that as I recall but I certainly feared the situation. Of that I have no doubt. I avoided getting into the situation as best I could. I still do. Nearly all fast food places are out of bounds for me just because I don't want to deal with all that food restriction stuff. Not because I don't think there are ways around my food restrictions, but because I don't trust someone else to understand and respond to them very well. They forget in twenty seconds sometimes. I have had that experience and I don't want to work with the mistakes. It's all just embarrassing.

My food illustration is so basic. How much more tangled up can the emotional life be? What next? Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.

In The Moonshine

I don't know if you
can get how this is for me
as you stand beneath
the moon in silver
rays, unearthly as you are
in this raw moment.

You said you just might
understand me this one time
and the ache in me,
the ache in my bones
has begun to part like reeds
on the verge of things.

March 11, 2010 7:39 PM