I'm Not Doing This Right

Here's the thing. I have this reputation as a "safe" man. In AA there are a significant number of women who don't start out trusting women, or even if they do, they are like me and do the best honesty and truth telling across the sexes, telling mom or dad. Me, I am grateful that I can have the kind of honesty I do where I would never tell my mother these things. Her instincts were wrong for me already when I was seven. But as a child of a single mother in the late forties and early fifties, I was trained to speak straight across with women and it works for me today. The women spread through the grapevine that I am one who will not mess with them. However.

Who is going to gift me with the kind of physical intimacy that I have done without for so much of my life? When Ann got so sick. Before that when I was a drunk. For the first few years going through our divorce and after.

In 1999 there was an intervention. The next seven years gave me an active sex life, even at times a colorful one. I have been solo since.

I am not lonely. I have many friends because of how I live. I don't lie awake nights aching for companionship. I would sleep fine if I didn't have other reasons for waking up frequently in the night. I always go back to sleep. This is not about desperation even a little. In fact I often observe relationships around me and go home grateful for my solitude.

However, I straight up miss physical intimacy. In the middle of the day back last February I spoke up.

I'm Not Doing This Right

Man, she called me safe,
said I was a godsend to
women wounded as
she, so open, kind,
so clear sighted and so wise
and five others gave
agreement. Oh shit.
Fat, aging, kind, wise old eyes,
Who, I want to know
is going to lay me?

February 13, 2009 2:27 PM